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“Just the alternative facts, Ma’am” – a Skoog summary ripped from this year’s headlines

 

MBA stands for Majorly Bad-Ass achievement

SARTELL, MINN. – “May I still call you Mistress?” sniveled Greg Skoog, a 50-year-old shell of a man, in response to his wife, Corinne, earning her master’s degree from the College of Saint Scholastica. The degree codifies what observers have long known – that Corinne is master of the household… [read more]

 

“They named it ‘San Dee-ahgo’ ”

SARTELL, MINN. – Sartell resident and general Central Minnesota advertising/marketing powerhouse Corinne Skoog has recently unlocked the secret to living a warm, sunshine-year-round life while still maintaining credible access to every midwesterner’s quietly confident knowledge that we’re better than the freaks on either coast. She’s accepted the Brand Director position at a company based in San Diego, California. Roughly once each month, she travels to sunny San Diego to work. The rest of her time she spends working fireside in her home office, wrapped in a blanket of live cats and dogs… [read more]

 

“I don’t always drink beer… No, wait, I do… That’s seriously about all I do”

SARTELL, MINN. – A strong contender for “The Least Interesting Man in the World,” Greg Skoog of Sartell recently offered this update on his 2017 achievements: “I got back to racing a few triathlons this year. It had been a couple of years, so…. I mean, I didn’t finish on the podium or anything, but it felt good to be back out there, I guess.” Skoog, who, outside of his tired shtick as “that guy who likes to bike to work unless it’s really cold or rainy” has less than zero to add to any conversation, probably could have been reached for further comment. But, honestly, why?… [read more? really?]

 

Fletcher’s mom about to secure elusive bachelor’s degree

REXBURG, IDAHO – Fletcher Sias of Rexburg is said to be quite excited about the bachelor’s degree his mother Josie, 26, will earn at the end of spring semester from Brigham Young University-Idaho. “It’s been a winding road,” admits Fletcher’s father, Jake, “but Fletcher and I are excited and couldn’t be more proud of her.” Reached for comment, Fletcher’s replies were limited to a racing heartbeat and a series of violent kicks, since he’s still in utero and not expected to arrive until early/mid-April… [read more]

 

Skoog named boss of adulting

CHANDLER, ARIZ. – With a sweet apartment, a healthy dog and a full-on grown-up job as a project coordinator in the commercial construction industry, Chandler resident Erin Skoog, 24, has been named boss of adulting. As is typical, her journey this year has whiplashed her back and forth between moments like crying tears of joy over the Christmas bonus that would finally allow her to fix the brakes on her car and hopping on a jet to fly to Pittsburgh and spend a couple of days catching the Patriots’ game. In an attempt to top this year’s performance, she and Alex (and friend Myles, and Roxy the dog) are planning a move to NYC in 2018… [read more]

 

But can you get them to sing it in three-part harmony?

FARGO, N.D. –  Current Fargo resident Quinn Skoog, 21, has announced plans to temporarily relinquish his Fargo residency and become a “citizen of the universe.” His plan has the unique power to elicit an automatic and instinctive response from any grown-up who hears it. “Do it while you’re young, cuz you’ll never get a chance later,” said adult after adult, when told of Skoog’s plan to load up his car in August and begin a loosely defined, roughly year-long trek back and forth across the country (presumably including some north/south detours)… [read more]

 

Lone researcher tests the boundaries of “unlimited”

PLYMOUTH, MINN. – In the spirit of Lewis & Clark’s Corps of Discovery and NASA’s Apollo crews, area student and Zumiez employee Molly Skoog, 20, is blazing her own trail into uncharted territory. “Where many look at an ‘unlimited’ data plan and see complacency, I see urgency,” Skoog explained. From a perpetual Spotify stream at work, to exhausting Netflix bingeing at night in her wi-fi-free apartment, to her own proprietary blend of high-data app usage, Skoog refuses to rest in her quest to test the definition of ‘unlimited.’ “Her 70 gig last month was monumental,” noted account-holder Greg Skoog, “but, honestly, I think she’s just scratching the surface of her potential.”… [read more]

 

R-E-L-A-X, there’s plenty of time

SARTELL, MINN. – Acknowledging the deep secret that every American over age 30 knows all too well, Sartell resident Josh Behrendt, 19, urged everyone to just relax. Behrendt is apparently already aware that he’ll have the rest of his life to be a mature and functioning member of society. These halcyon days of playing video games in the basement are numbered and must be cherished and savored. After all, pointed out Behrendt, who DOES work six days each week, “A recent survey conducted by T.D. Ameritrade found that young millennials find it embarrassing to live at home past 28. So I’ve got less than ten years of this!”… [read more]

 

New college student wonders why she didn’t just skip to this right from the start

ST. JOSEPH, MINN. – After making tons of friends in her dorm, performing regularly with the college wind ensemble, learning lots in classes, getting the glorious opportunity to meet up for lunch regularly with her step-dad, and meeting a charming and handsome new boyfriend, area resident Claudia Behrendt, 18, wonders why the hell she didn’t just skip to this good part years ago. The first-year College of Saint Benedict student has already changed her major plans from pre-chiropractic to music education, but reserves the right to switch again over the next three semesters because, as her brother Josh has explained to her, “There’s plenty of time.”… [read more]

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