Velieris Quod Peto

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Thanks, y’all. When do I get my hat?

Yea, new Pope!

Having been raised Roman Catholic and spent most of my life Catholic, there’s a lot I love about the Church. I love the tradition. I love the ritualism.

So I had a dream last night and I want to just toss it out there to Francis I, cuz I think it’d be a blast and totally has some merit.

I dreamed there was some VIP – a CEO from some tech company or something – who was considering donating a few million dollars to the endowment at The College of St. Benedict. Before making that happen, she wanted to meet with the president. But that was impossible. The president was unavailable.

“Unavailable?” asked the impatient CEO. “Well when will she be in?”

“None of us know,” replied the innocent student worker on the other end of the line. “She’s in Velieris Quod Peto – The Most Sacred and Holy Hide & Seek.”

(Okay, I don’t really dream in Latin. I had to look that up.)

That’s when I woke up. At first I smiled at what a weird and random dream that was. But then I started thinking about it. If you look at it from the outside, a TON of stuff in the Catholic Church is weird and random. So why not Holy Hide & Seek?

Here’s the way it would work:

It only happens during Papal transition periods. At the point when the College of Cardinals locks themselves into Conclave, devout and observant Catholics will gather in parishes around the world.

At the exact moment when the doors of the Sistine Chapel close, parish priests everywhere will stand at alters and begin counting (in Latin). They’ll count up to whatever year it is (2013 AD – that’s Anno Domini – Year of Our Lord – none of this “Common Era” crap they’re trying to foist on us these days).

Once he’s finished counting, he’ll turn from the alter and begin searching for his lost lambs. Every parishoner he finds will then, in turn, become another seeker, until everyone in the parish is found – however long that takes. Could be days. Cool, right?

I know it sounds like a complete non sequitur (check me out, getting more Latin in here), but is it really?

The priest is, of course, representative of Christ, The Good Shepherd, who will not rest until his lost sheep are found. The time spent hiding, alone and isolated, represents Jesus’ 40 days in the wilderness. While hiding, Catholics would be encouraged to spend that quiet time in prayer and meditation for the selection of a new Holy Father. This whole thing could be totally legit.

So Francis, if you’re listening, here’s my agenda for your newly coronated Papal term:

1. Stop molesting kids. (I don’t mean you, personally, but sick priests everywhere… Well, wait, I guess I do mean you personally – if you’re molesting kids. Which I seriously hope you’re not. But if you are, then stop.)
1a. Maybe consider letting priests marry so they would have some legitimate outlet for those urges?
2. Female priests. Your ranks are getting seriously thin. And you’re excluding devout followers of the faith? I’d rethink that one.
3. Let Catholics get married when they’re in love. Gay or straight. Don’t quote Leviticus to me unless you’re willing to give up your Choose Life t-shirt. That 50/50 blend don’t fly.
4. Velieris Quod Peto – The Most Holy Game of Hide & Seek.

You’re welcome and good luck!

2 thoughts on “Velieris Quod Peto

  1. As a fallen Catholic, I would have a lot more “respectu” for my former Church if any one of the items on your wish list would actually “venire ad fruitionem”, but unfortunately I think there’s a “fortuna globi nivis in inferno.”

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