Corinne: I think I’m going to stop drinking during the week.
Me: Bad idea. Not healthy. You’ll shrivel up and die.
G: You’ll be dead before the weekend.
C: I’m not talking about water.
G: Neither am I.
C: Are you implying I have a problem?
G: Well I’m not implying the problem you’re implying I’m implying.
C: All I’m talking about is not drinking on weekdays.
G: All I’m saying is that it wouldn’t be a good idea right now. You don’t just jump into something like that. You’ve got to prepare. It’s a matter of getting your affairs in order. You know, like those disclaimers on the AB-LITERATOR infomercial: “Be sure to consult your physician before beginning any exercise program.”
C: So I should talk to a doctor and he’s going to tell me to drink during the week?
G: No, I don’t mean literally talk to a doctor and I’m not talking about exercising, I’m just using that as an example of a situation in which you’d need to prepare before starting off on something crazy… Although now that you mention it, hell yes, the doctor would totally tell you to drink up. All the healthiest diets today include booze. It’s like the new acai berry. That’s not my point though. You’ve got to get shit in order first.
C: Such as?
G: Well first up, you should go on an idiot cleanse for at least a few weeks. Sort of a dumbass detox. Totally important. With the amount of crazy-ass stuff you encounter in the average weekday, if you don’t purge your system of that toxic insanity before taking away alcohol as a counterbalance, your body’s going to go completely out of whack. Honestly? I shudder to think of the consequences.
C: A dumbass detox.
G: Dumbass Detox™. Or Idiot Cleanse™. I haven’t decided which I’m going with yet. I might patent one or the other.
C: I need to get out of this room right now.
G: See? Now you’re getting started!