Damn moral dilemmas

Posted on Posted in Current Affairs, Life


Nice-Guy-Neighbor Pete: Did you see what happened to your mailbox?

Me: Um…You mean the fact that it was sitting on my front porch and a large percentage of the snow that should have been piled up in a nice little heap at the corner of my driveway was, instead, scattered haphazardly across the driveway?


Nice-Guy-Neighbor Pete: Yeah, I put it up there on your porch.

Me: Thanks.

Nice-Guy-Neighbor Pete: [NAME OMITTED CUZ YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW IT AND I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE IT ANYWAY] came flying around the corner in his pickup last night at about 50 miles an hour. He lost control and took out your mailbox. Then he got out and he could barely stand. He was hung up there for about 10 minutes – rocking back and forth till he managed to work his truck loose.

Me: We've got a Piss-Drunk-Pickup Guy neighbor?

Nice-Guy-Neighbor Pete: Brian and his friends were just pulling out of the driveway. If they'd have been 30 seconds earlier, he would have hit them.

Me: It was a nice, warm Friday evening. If we'd had the kids and been at home, there's a good chance they'd have been playing in the snow pile down there. [OKAY, HONESTLY NOT A "GOOD" CHANCE…BUT AT LEAST A CHANCE.]

Nice-Guy-Neighbor Pete: I wish I would have called the police as soon as it happened…then it would have been out of my hands. He's just such an angry drunk.

Me: We have an Angry-Piss-Drunk-Pickup Guy neighbor?


Corinne: Red pickup? That's the creepy guy who waves at me every time he drives by.

Me: We have a Creepy-Waving-Angry-Piss-Drunk-Pickup Guy neighbor?

Corinne: I looked it up on our neighborhood watch list. He's two doors down from Francis.

Me: You mean Nosy-Busybody Guy neighbor?

Corinne: Yeah. So you think we should say something?

Me: Wait a minute… Two doors down from Nosy-Busybody Guy neighbor? On the same side of the street? Red pickup?

Corinne: Yeah.

Me: So the house with the Bobcat in the driveway?

Corinne: Yeah.

Me: Shit. Creepy-Waving-Angry-Piss-Drunk-Pickup Guy neighbor is Bobcat Guy? Crap.


Bobcat Guy has been my Whiteout Knight all winter long. He and his snow-throwing steed have bailed me and my sad little shovel out a dozen times. It's friggin' fantastic. I'll be down there at the end of the driveway, gamely denting the plow break bit by bit…and he'll come rolling down the street. He and that Bobcat can clear a plow break in 20 seconds. He can do the whole driveway in two minutes. It's straight-up awesome. He's been my hero.

Now that I know Bobcat Guy is Creepy-Waving-Angry-Piss-Drunk-Pickup Guy, I really don't care about paying for the mailbox. I owe him at least that much in snow removal.

But I've got to at least call him and let him know that we know what happened and it's not okay and we're going to be watching in the future. There are just too many kids in this neighborhood. (Lots of kids. Kids like Freakishly-Large Boy, Not-So-Bright Girl and the Redneck Sisters.)


5 thoughts on “Damn moral dilemmas

  1. I know, right? Thanks Fantasy-Football-Celebrity-But-I-Knew-Him-When-He-Was-Just-A-Simple-Johnnie Guy! UPDATE: Had my conversation with Creepy-Waving-Angry-Piss-Drunk-Pickup Guy this weekend. Anyone who knows anything about me and confrontations will be impressed to know that it involved only half an hour of nervous pacing before placing the phone call. It went well. Points were made without voices being raised. And now he’s aware that his neighbors will be watching. (Nice-Guy-Neighbor Pete was very grateful, because he’s evidently even more conflict-avoidant than I am.)

  2. I’m happy to know that my wife and I aren’t the only ones who make up names for our neighbors. We currently have: 1) “The Pilot” – He actually is a pilot, not very original… 2) “The Blind Guy” – He gave us Temporary Blinds when we first moved in. 3) “Army Pants Guy” – He wear camouflage shorts and a white t-shirt every single time he mows his lawn. This also got me to thinking. If you and I have nicknames for my neighbors, what do my neighbors call me? My best guesses: Neighbor 1: I can’t believe the Twins lost to the Yankees again. (noise from next door): $%&*! #&*%@! Punto! Neighbor 2: At least we aren’t like “Angry Twins Fan Guy” Neighbor 1: What do you think the deal is with the “Animal Shelter Couple”? Neighbor 2: I don’t know its weird. Who has four pets, but zero kids? Neighbor 1: “Golf Club Guy” shoveled my driveway yesterday. Neighbor 2: Golf Club Guy? Neighbor 1: You know. That guy who’s always swinging golf clubs in his front yard, even when there is three feet of snow.

  3. Nate, I guarantee your neighbors only have good nicknames for you guys. (Except The Blind Guy. One afternoon of watching you two new neighbors making kissy faces must have been enough to trigger him to give you some temporary blinds.)

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